Zeena had a fight (heated arguments) with her partner. Later, when she thinks about it she feels ashamed as how immature she behaved! Yet she doesn’t want to admit it to her partner thinking that would make her look like a looser. Ultimately their relationship degrades.

Perhaps Zeena and her partner could have done much better if at least one of them had a higher Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Recently I read this book, “7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence“, which helped me learn more about this kind of things and what to do to improve our EQ, so I thought I would share it with our readers.

Here is some excerpt from this book:

Classic Intelligence and rational thinking have dominated the Western Society for centuries. Since Freud, the development of psychology has brought us the insight that a person’s actions aren’t just rational or logical. Emotional Intelligence seems a good term to name our non rational way of thinking and being. This term was coined when people began to observe that human being with high Intelligence Quotient (IQ) were not free from failing in everyday concrete situations, whereas others with an average IQ succeeded. The caricature of an absent minded professor, used in certain comic strips, served as an excellent example.

Emotional Intelligence means “to be able to reach your goals by interacting with your environment”. It is a container term which encloses a series of skills one learns more or less intuitively. The best communicators, sales persons, lawyers, politicians and psychologists, etc have often developed these skills to a high degree and use them unconsciously.

All too often, it seems people loose perseverance when they need it most or loose control over their emotions in difficult situations. Aristotle expressed it this way: “Everybody can get angry–That’s easy. But getting angry at the right person, with the right amount, at the right time, for the right reason and in the right way–that’s hard”.

A manager who looses their temper may not reach their goal and instead risks losing their credibility with their employees. A parent using their physical superiority to impose rules upon a child will stimulate anger and resentment in this child. Moreover, as the child grows older the physical advantage disappears and this strategy to “convince” the child will stop working. Finding constructive ways to use your emotions is the key.

One of the core presuppositions of Emotional Intelligence understands that “The Map is not the Territory”. People act from their personal map of the world (as opposed to acting from relaity). Different descriptions (maps) of the same reality (territory) each have their value, depending on the context where you apply them.

Here is an example: When your opinion is different from your partner’s, at least show respect for this difference. Once you realize that the map isn’t the territory, this becomes much easier to do. It gives you the freedom to ask questions, so that you can learn to understand the other’s point of view, and by comparing the differences, you may end up with a new perspective which combines the best of both worlds. Having others behave just as we do and making others believe in the same things we believe in are amongst the worst mistakes of mankind.

Reference: 7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence by Patrick E. Merlevede, Denis Bridoux, Rudy Vandamme

Note: This book has much more than just describing what EQ is. It has detailed lessons on how to improve one’s EQ.