| April 2nd, 2007

Thoughts on Divorce

Sometimes we get requests from our readers to write about this very delicate issue-˜divorce”. I am sure those who asks are not exactly having the happiest life with their spouses, and that’s why they are asking others (including us) for advice on what could be a clean way to end their marital relationship.

In Adhunika, none of us are really an expert on such issue. When we take this (divorce) question to our family counselor, she tells us, this kind of issues are so different from person to person that it is not easy to give one general suggestion to everyone.

I thought it might help if we can at least look at it from a less subjective way. Everyone of us has some experience about life, we also get share of experiences from our friends and families that also can give us an idea of how diverse the situations can be. Let me talk about a few.

I have this friend who is saying she is continuing her relationship with her abusive husband because when she thought about a divorce she realized she has to survive with her limited income that she is not ready for. Moreover she is worried that she may not be able to find someone to remarry and hence she is afraid to spend a single life. Quite unnatural for Bengali women she tells me, it is not because people will say bad things about her, she is more concerned about her own physical desires.

Here is another example; I met this woman who got divorced with two teen-aged daughters when she found out that her husband is engaged in an extra marital affair. She tells me, she didn’t have any skill set to be able to work outside, she didn’t have any friends of her own, all she cared about that it is no longer possible for her to live with an unfaithful husband. She had to beg people for help; she knocked the doors of those lawyers and asked them if they will be willing to take her case for not upfront cost. She lived on food stamp for year after year just to survive.

Another girl I know is a university graduate, came to the USA with her husband after getting married.  Within couple days, she realized she doesn’t like her husband. She apparently didn’t have any complains against him, but according to her, “he is not her type”. Eventually she  finds a decent job and goes for a divorce.

After seeing all such cases, my observation is, every person is different and every couple is different. There is no single rule that can decide this is a deal breaker, or this is not. Everyone has different values and different skills to get along with another person.

As friend and well wisher all I suggest is give enough thought on what your expectations are. Before getting hooked up with another person do due diligence to learn about the person (as opposed to how renowned the family is or what kind of job that person does). One most important thing is to learn people skills, the more you deal with diversified people the better you become in people skills that goes a long way when in relationships.

Sometimes even with all the prior homework a marriage may not work smooth, one has to find out what they can compromise what they can’t. Sometimes going for a formal or informal couselling might be helpful. Involving friends and family in that dispute may help, depends on the mental maturity of the person whose help is sought for. Sometimes outside help may even worsen the situation, even if it is from one’s parents. As long as one has self respect and self confidence, I believe they will find a decent solution for any such problem. The solution could be ending the relationship or mending the same, I personally would prefer the later whenever possible though.


About this blog

Adhunika blog is launched with a mission to share knowledge among women from every walk of life. Sometime it would be in the form of sharing experience to find a feasible solution of a problem; sometime it would be in the form of professional consultation, which Adhunika group will arrange for its bloggers. Nevertheless, the intent of this blog always remains the same - to help and empower women through a common web-based platform....read more



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